What to say in your first message on a dating site

A first message doesn't need to be clever. It needs to show you looked at the person's profile and give them something easy to answer.

What works

  • Mention something from their profile. A photo, a hobby, a place, something they wrote. It shows you're writing to them, not to everyone.
  • Ask one real question. Something they can answer in a sentence or two, and that leads somewhere.
  • Keep it short. Two to four sentences. A long first message can feel like pressure.
  • Use their name if you know it. It's small but friendly.
  • Be yourself. If you're not a joker, don't force jokes.

Examples

  • "You said you're learning to bake bread. How is it going? Mine always comes out flat."
  • "That photo on the mountain looks amazing. Was it a hard climb?"
  • "I'm also new to the city. What's the best thing you've found here so far?"
  • "You wrote that you love old films. Which one would you make someone watch first?"

None of these are special. They work because they're about the other person and easy to reply to.

What to avoid

  • Just "hi" or "hey". It puts all the work on the other person. Many people don't reply to it.
  • Comments about their body. Even if meant as a compliment, it usually comes across badly in a first message.
  • Copy-paste messages. People can tell, and it looks like spam.
  • Asking for their phone number or another app straight away. Many people see this as a warning sign, because scammers do it. See how to spot a fake profile.
  • Several messages in a row with no reply. One message, then wait.

Likes before messages

Here you can like or heart a profile before you write. It's a light way to show interest. But if you really want to talk to someone, a short message says more than a like.

Keeping the conversation going

  • Answer and ask back. Reply to their question, then ask one of your own. A conversation where only one person asks questions feels like an interview.
  • Share a little about yourself. Small stories are easier to respond to than facts.
  • Don't worry about reply speed. People are busy. A few hours or a day is normal.
  • Suggest meeting when it feels right. If you've exchanged a good number of messages and both seem interested, propose a short, simple meeting in a public place. See first date ideas.

Writing in another language

If you and the other person don't share a first language, keep sentences short and simple. Translation apps are fine; just check that the result makes sense. It's okay to say "my Thai is not very good" or "sorry, my English is simple". Most people appreciate the effort.

If they don't reply

It happens to everyone and usually says nothing about you. They may be busy, not active, or simply looking for something else. Don't send follow-ups asking why. Move on and write to someone else.

If a reply makes you uncomfortable

You don't owe anyone a conversation. If someone is rude, pushy or sexual when you didn't ask for it, you can stop replying or block them. If they're harassing you or seem to be running a scam, report the profile too. See how to block or report someone.

FAQ

Who should send the first message?

Anyone. If you're interested, write. Waiting for the other person to start means many good conversations never happen.

How soon should I suggest meeting?

There's no fixed rule. When you've had a real back-and-forth and both seem keen, suggest something short. If they're not ready, that's fine.

Should I send a photo in the first message?

No. Your profile already has your photos. Don't send any photo the other person didn't ask for.

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